> Catalonian Chronicle, January 17, 1901.
>
> *Excitement builds all over Europe as great powers mobilise - war is in the air!*
>
> *Antipodean bird and esurient Hibernian rumoured to be cause of trouble!*
>
> *Physically-improbable events reported in port of Rome!*
>
> *First press-copy telegrams received from on-the-spot reporters!*
>
> Welcome to this, your first edition of the Catalan Chronicle!
>
> All over Europe, armies and navies are mobilising at breakneck speed in a seemingly inexorable march towards bloodshed. The Germans have been goose-stepping down Unter den Linden Strasse, the Turks have been calibrating their artillery by firing from the Bosphorus, Russian and English navies are building up steam in St Petersburg and Liverpool respectively, the French have been pressing their sartorially-elegant yet camouflage-challenging red pantaloons, and even the Austrian Field-Marschall has ordered new peacock feathers for his hat.
>
> However, the most remarkable event to report has taken place in the port of Rome. Whilst on parade an entire Italian army has disappeared, and been replaced with a brand-spanking-new fleet, of similar size and fire-power to the original Italian fleet stationed in Naples! Local physicists have postulated that a freak worm-hole in the space-time continuum might be to blame. Some believe this event to be a harbinger of other remarkable and deeply-improbably phenomena, rumoured to be about to occur throughout Europe in the forthcoming seasons and years. We hope to bring you news of these as they happen.
>
> The reason for the imminent continental conflagration has not yet become clear. Admittedly unconfirmed reports have been received from Ireland suggesting one possible explanation for the fast-approaching conflict. According to our intrepid on-the-spot reporter, 'some fella called Archy Duke was hungry, so he shot an ostrich'. However, doubt has been cast upon the definitude of this report as it was received in barely-legible handwriting, scrawled upon the back of an invoice for several cases of fine Irish whiskey. Make of this what you will - we hope to publish more reports giving more detail on the causes of the forthcoming war in future editions.
>
> Press telegrams
>
> Your super-soaraway Catalan Chronicle has sent intrepid reporters to the capital cities of all seven major European powers in the sincere hope that they will provide news and reports from across the Continent as the hostilities develop. As is our editorial policy, we will publish verbatim the telegrams received from our seven correspondents across the continent, together with any official governmental communications received.
>
> Telegrams will be published alongside full reports and maps of the manoevres, battles and retreats taking place between the Great Powers in the years to come. A first map is published together with this copy of the Chronicle.
>
> Two such telegrams are ready for publication, all labelled 'AOB':
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
>
> From: His Majesty the King of The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland
> To: The World
>
> England greets all her neighbors in friendship. Join me for some tea and scones in Buckingham Palace, where we can lament the coming European war, and reminisce about fighting colonials in the backwaters of Africa and Asia.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
>
> England offers peace to France.
>
> England offers peace to Germany.
>
> England does not offer peace to Russia.
>
> England suggests an alliance with Turkey.
>
> England lays claim to the Iberian Peninsula.
>
> England suggests friendship with Italy.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
>
> This concludes our first edition of the Catalan Chronicle, we hope you've enjoyed reading it, and we hope that we will soon be receiving plenty more telegrams from our seven correspondents to enliven our future editions. Correspondents are reminded that the deadline for submission of press for the second edition of the Chronicle will be Thursday 6 June, 2000GMT.
>
> There are three subjects for our reporters to concentrate upon at present:
>
> 1. Possible explanations for the war
> 2. Improbable events occurring across the Continent
> 3. AOB (any-other-business)
>
> ...further subjects will be suggested as and when our Editor makes them up.
>
>
> Jerome (Editor)
>
>
>
