Catalonian Chronicle, 2 February, 1901
*Multiple deaths in highly improbable series of mid-air pile-ups over the Alps!*
*It takes more than your mother's quilt to fox a Swedish fisherman, Herr Chancellor!*
*Kremlin makes peace overtures to neighbours - is Tsar just a big cowardy-custard?'*
*Fears of pasta stockpiling as surge of nationalist sentiment puts Italians on war footing!*
*Ireland becomes (even more) confused since the advent of strange graffiti!*
*French president hopes to gain pan-European agreement for drastic solution to national paella shortage!*
*Turkish belligerence shows no sign of being assuaged!*
*Joyous scenes as Liverpudlians exchange clogs for deeply-discounted army boots!*
Welcome to the second edition of your super Catalan Chronicle!
We are pleased to report the receipt of multiple telegrams from our correspondents, and are delighted to publish these for you below.
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This is your roving reporter, Johak Redovoski, reporting live and on tape from the depths of darkest Europe.
The skies at night are lit as bright as the Harvest moon as planes
roar in every direction from every major country. No missiles or shots
have been fired yet, but at least 200 planes have crashed due to mid-air
collisions. Could it be terrorism? Considering they were all flying
under the Lichtensteinian flag, one can only surmise.
Troops are also moving across the map. Turkish armies are
supposedly heading towards Bulgaria. The French are crossing onto the
Iberian peninsula. Germany forces are forging towards the North Sea
shoreline. And the poor people of Galicia are hastily building a dome,
expecting forces to invade their land from every direction.
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German military exercises in the Baltic
Reports are reaching us of extensive German military exercises in
the Baltic Sea. A small expeditionary naval force was seen by observers
to sail out of the Kiel Canal under the cover of darkness. Residents
of a number of small islands off Sweden reported a number of sightings
of unmarked military ships taking photographs of the Swedish coast, with
one Swedish fisherman reporting that one of these ships had an insignia
of the German Navy shoddily covered up with a bed sheet. These
manuvers lend further credence to previous reports that the German
Chancellor has designs on making Sweden part of the wider German Empire
towards the end of 1901.
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Yeah, hi there, Italy here. Just wanted everyone to know that I do not want to be friends with anyone until I get my army back. Come on guys! Really was that very nice? What the heck am I gonna do with another boat? Give it back.
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Russia to Austria: Let's bump in Gal and DMZ in the Fall?
Russia to Turkey: Ditto for Black Sea?
Russia to Germany: I'm yours if you let me into Sweden. Consider F Kie - Hol.
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Italian naval power to be displayed
The new battleship recently built in Rome is causing Italian
nationalists to campaign for a display of naval power. Many are
suggesting that Italian naval commanders are encouraging their
government to join the battleship with the naval force currently based
in Naples and show that Italy has serious ambitions on the European
stage. A campaign to recreate the decisive victory over the Ottomans in
the Battle of Lepanto is gathering pace. Many Ottoman workers in
Italian docks have been the subject of random attacks by the more
extreme nationalist factions and Ottoman officials are reportedly
considering cutting off diplomatic ties with Italy.
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ARCHY DUKE IS INNOCENT, OK!?!
Odd-looking graffiti has started to appear written on walls across Ireland. Claiming that somebody called 'Archy Duke' is 'innocent', experts have confessed to being bemused as to the meaning of these statements. Said one Gardai in Limerick, 'It's not as if anybody has been shot now, is it?'
Meanwhile, British governmental officials have denied that the graffiti is linked to any kind of Irish nationalist ruse, as well as playing down the chances of having to send the British Army based in Liverpool back to Ireland to restore order, at least in the short term.
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French government makes plea to other European powers over Iberia
The French government issued a communique through it's diplomats
across Europe this afternoon reiterating the previous position set out
by the government around recent tensions amongst the Great Powers of
Europe. The communique read "The French nation wishes to maintain
cordial relations with all Great Powers in Europe, and our territorial
designs are small scale and limited. However, in order to maintain
national security and to ensure we maintain enough military strength to
prevent an act of agression on French territory, it is our firm belief
that the great Iberian nations of Spain and Portugal should come within
the French sphere of influence. As neither of these nations border on
the territories of any other great power, we are confident that a
peaceful extension of French borders can be achieved over the next 12
months.
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Hello to all. This is Turkey speaking. I have every intent on attacking Austria Hungry from the very start of this game. I only hope that Russia stays out of the way and that Italy minds it's own damn business. France give me a call buddy.
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British army cancels winter clothing order
Textile manufacturers in Liverpool are offering winter clothing at
almost zero cost in their warehouses after the British army reportedly
cancelled a large winter clothing order for the army currently barracked
on the outskirts of the city. The owner of a scarf and hat factory
said "We've got to get rid of all these scarves and winter hats somehow -
the local barracks placed an order two months ago for 5,000 scarves and
hats, but cancelled the order last week - the quartermaster came and
cancelled it and muttered something about the winter campaign in Norway
being called off and Belguim now being the destination". British
military officials remained tightlipped at the time of going to press.
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This concludes our latest edition of the
Catalan Chronicle, we
hope you've enjoyed reading it, and we hope that we will soon be
receiving plenty more telegrams from our seven correspondents to enliven
our future editions.
Correspondents are reminded that the deadline for
submission of press for the next edition of the
Chronicle will be Friday 7 June, 2000GMT. If any of our correspondents would like to publish news and views from their region, then please do make sure to file copy with your editor before that time.
Jerome (Editor)
